Golf balls and the Goauld
by W1REF1RE
Summary: Golf and the Goa'uld, what would Jack do nexdt? Chapter 2 Uploaded
1. Target Sokar

Golf Balls and Goauld

Just a little something I remember from an ep and decided to have some fun with it.

Oh and BTW its my first fic so review

Disclamer: I own nothing, well except my Buffy DVD's and your not getting those so don't sue.

Stargate is owned by some TV company whose name i cant remember. Oh and if your are gonna sue, sue SWIM cos it's their fault!

Planet Earth: SGC

"Four!" Jack shouted as he launched another golf ball into the wormhole.

"Nice work ONeill, however you must watch your back or else your gonna keep slicing the ball."

"Right..."

On P4X-211

Sokar was preparing to embark to a newly conquered planet when the Chappi stared dialing.

"Jaffa kree!" He shouted, anticipating an attack.

They all aimed at the gate, intent on protecting their God at all costs. But what they didn't expect was that their attackers are little pockmarked balls.

Back at the SGC

On the loudspeaker General Hammond demanded to know what two members of SG1 were doing playing Golf in the gate room.

"Just doing our bit to piss off the Goauld" he launched another ball into the wormhole "and practicing my golf swing."

On P4X-211

The attack had been going on for 15 minutes and 10 Jaffa were down, struck down by numerous hits by little white balls.

"Retreat!" Sokar shouted as he turned from the gate.

"My lord watch out!" Sokar's first prime shouted just as a little ball whacked the 'God' on the back of his head.


	2. Target Anubis

Golf Balls and the Goa'uld part II

Sg7 discovers a device that can create wormholes without the use of a second gate. What does Jack do with it? Plays Golf!

The Embarkation room was brimming with excitement as Sg7 returned with the ancient device.

"So what have you discovered this time Robert. Is it another ancient head grabber?" Jack asked, not wanting anything to do with another.

"Not too sure Colonel. The translation said that it was a stargate without a gate..."

"So its a star?" Jack interrupted.

"No Colonel it's a stargate which doesn't need another gate!"

Jack smiled at the potentials of such a device.

It had taken some time but Jack had managed to sneak his golf clubs. It was no small feat. Hammond had instructed security to confiscate any golf-related equipment and with security everywhere all his golf clubs were either offworld or thrown off the base. But as usual he had got it in and nothing was going to stop him from playing his 18 holes. Except Carter.

Samantha was a problem. Ever since the device had gotten on base she had locked herself in her lab with the damn thing. Once in a while she would leave for food but she would always return. Not this time, Jack had put a little extra something to the coffee machines and without a shadow of a doubt she would drink it. But if she didn't he was in trouble.

He sneaked across half the level to Carter's lab. It was dark and cold but most of all empty. He snuck himself and his equipment inside Carter's lab.

P3X-381, Anubis controlled territories, Anubis HQ

Anubis sat at his throne, contemplating how the Tau'ri could of defeated so many Goa'uld. Ra, Apophis, Sokar, Seth, Nirrti, Chronos, Hathor and many more Goa'uld either dead or weakened. The answer was simple. They were weak, insolent and totally unprepared. He was not; he was strong, ancient and most of all prepared. His fleet would be ready to march to the homeworld of the Tau'ri and annihilate it.

Stargate Command

Jack quickly skimmed over the work scattered over Carter's desk. Most of it was gibberish to him but he looked anyway. It took some time before he found it. Apparently the Ancient device was designed just before they were wiped out by the plague and was a prototype of an enhancement to the stargate concept. It only required one gate to establish a lock and could be targeted anywhere, even a sun. Because of this a program like the one used on the stargate could be MacGyvered in record time.

Jack flipped open Carter laptop and started searching for the dialing program. It didn't take him long; the program was clearly marked. He started it and started entering coordinates.

"Anubis, its time to play Golf!"

P3X-381, Anubis controlled territories, Anubis HQ

Anubis was still sitting in his chair but this time thinking of how he would invade the Earth. He was alone in the room, having sent his supersoldiers away. He got up, staring at the room around him. It had hyperspace sensors showing the positions of enemy fleets near his borders. Reports from Jaffa stating the conditions on his worlds. Everything he needed to run an empire. He turned to the entrance to see what looked like an event horizon form just past the doorway.

Stargate Command

As the wormhole opened, Jack placed down a piece of artificial turf and a tee. He then placed a ball on the tee and started to swing. One ball, two balls, three balls into the wormhole and all multi-lightyear drives. Little did he know that Anubis was hit by all three.

P3X-381, Anubis HQ

Anubis approached the wormhole; it looked like one from a stargate but without one. He got closer and closer but as he got close enough to touch it he was whacked by one of O'Neil's balls. He backed away, not knowing what effect the device would have. Maybe it was a bomb, a surveillance device or more. He was making a wise decision but that didn't stop him from being hit by two more and Jack from swinging like he was Happy Gilmore.

Stargate Command

Jack was a very happy man. He was playing golf, annoying the most powerful person in the galaxy and was about to take it to the next level. He pulled out a collapsible hockey stick and started to assemble it. Sure it isn't as durable as a normal one but it works anyway.

"Hey Anubis, prepare for my slapshot!"

P3X-381 Anubis HQ

The ball exited the wormhole at a speed that surprised even him. It richoched across the throne room, taking out displays and many other pieces of delicate equipment before hitting him. It didn't crack his suit but it came pretty close, his suit was designed to keep him in, not keep out those white balls of death!

Anubis watched the wormhole from behind his throne. It would protect him from many of the shots and deaden any blow that did hit him. As usual Murphy's Law kicked in as he peeked around the throne.

It went straight through what constituted the head of his non-corporeal body and forced him to vent out. Now he was force to watch as the balls of death destroyed his throne.

Stargate Command

All out of balls Jack packed up and turned off the device. He then proceeded to pack up and return everything to the way Carter had left it. But he forgot to turn off the laptop and he was going to get in trouble for that one!

P3X-381 Anubis HQ

Anubis walked back into his throne room. After the wormhole disenegaged he immediately got into a spare suit and proceeded back to the now destroyed room. He picked up one of the balls and crushed it. It was the Tau'ri who did this and they were going to pay. Anubis stepped into the ring transporter and activated it. The Tau'ri are going to pay even if that means facing the Asgard they will pay! Anubis ordered his ships to proceed to Earth.


End file.
